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Jun. 22nd, 2010


As much as I have enjoyed running around and doing crazy things seemingly 24/7 for the past couple of weeks. It feels good to be at home in my bed. I needed the activity, i have been so stagnant for some time, i needed to get out and spread my wings.

this lone evening that i am not doing anything this week is a nice break from the speed. I do however throughly enjoy doing a lot. I think anyone that knows me, really knows me, knows that at my core, I like to be active and doing things. It keep the energy going and flowing.

its just right now i am very sleepy, infact my eyes are literally closed as I am writing this. soo, if this stops makeing much sense at some point you know why.

time for some much needed zzzzzz, i think i am going to be dreaming of a lovely piano tune being played just for me.

Jun. 14th, 2010

Bitter sweet

This a very bittersweet time for me. I am very happy, and I am enjoying myself immensely.

Yet just around the corner in my mind is my best friend's pain. I know that I recently posted maybe some not as supportive things as a best friend should. But make no doubt about it I am in pain as well. I think I just have delt with many heart aches in the past and know how to deal with them.

It wasn't but maybe an hour ago, I was balling... feeling horrible about all of the negative impact I have had in artstorm's life. Feeling mad because how could he even think, I'm not concerned. If that did come across honestly it was because i thought everything was going to be fine. I was confident in the conversation we had a month ago. I wish I could some how have him know how much I care about him. But I think that was one of our major issues... we tried so hard to communicate with each other. And yet some how no matter how hard, how much, how many times we tried we would fail to have the other one understand. 

There was a day, I think possibly the day we officially declared that we were no longer a couple, that I don't think i got any work done at all at my job that day. I couldnt stop reaching out to my friends on my phone, seeking advice. I couldnt get the fear of him getting hurt and being burned, and worrying about how is life is out of my head. At least if we were a couple, I would be able to try to help him... but if we weren't what if he wont let me in again to even try. I was so upset, I ended up sitting with my boss for like an hour and half after work having him talk to me about life and relationships. I told him how I was concerned for artstorm. It was what actually helped me to stay strong. (Which is saying a lot because i do have a love/ dislike relationship with my boss. We are very much like a family in that office at this point.)

I wish i could be helpful to artstorm. I feel like i wasnt there for two days and poof out goes out friendship (TEMPORARILY). It realy caught me by surprise and i was mad. I am sorry to him for any lack of support that he may need that I havent given. But unfortuantly, I wouldnt know what he needs unless he would tell me. And even then I am not sure if i would be able to give it to him. I think I wasn't ever really good at that. That hurts me to admit defeat like that. I don't like to admit it, but its true. I wasnt as good as I probably could have been. 

yet on the other hand, I feel like I was good, I was patient, and altered the way i behaved to try to suit his life better. I always tried to support him as much as I could. I was always very proud of him. I always and still to this day think he is an amazing artist, and an amazing friend. I listened to his life and to the things going on, I offered suggestions when i could at the very least to let him know I wanted to help even if I couldnt.  

Honestly though, I feel like there is only so much one person can say or do. You can't force something on someone that doesnt want it. 

I just needed to get some of this out, as I dont feel very comfortable vocalizing it. It is easier to type it out. Plus there is the possibility that he may read it and then know that I do still very much care for him and i am concerned. 

This will be my last post about my past relationship with artstorm. What happened has happened, no one can change that. I will always hold you close to my heart mister. 

I look forward to ... "in da future...."

Jun. 11th, 2010

Amazing music

The first song played on my random I-tunes : Dead Ringer For Love - meat loaf 
  "your a real dead ringer for love.... rock n' roll and brew"
  thoughts attached to that song: bath tub, crazy sounding voices, last happiness together
The second : A silent night with you - tori amos
  "The radio plays my holiday faves, it takes me back when our love was new"
  thoughts from listening: " how appropriate", very sad, tears

The third: Everyday - Dave Matthews
  thoughts: hopeful, new beginnings, enjoying every day and what it has to offer
  "pick me up love, from the bottom, up onto the top love... everyday"

The fourth: Always with you - Volbeat
   thoughts: ...
  "our love for you is for all endless time, alone you never be"

I love the way music can speak right to your soul. Its strange how my i-tunes random sometimes just knows exactly what i need to hear. and sometimes it knows what i dont want to know. I do feel like things will work out in the end, but its very difficult. I feel like I was what to him what "F#1" was to me. I didnt want that to happen. But then I think, no this is not my fault, we only did what we thought was best for our selves at the time. I thought, the separation was suppose to be good for both of us. 

I still think it will be, but it may take a while over-all. 

I am overall hopeful and honestly happier then I have been a while. As much as I really do not care for JP/PM I am finding it easier to deal with certain attitudes that are found in that location. Which is awesome!

I am pretty proud of myself, but I need to get going on the schooling. I need to figure out how to get unafraid of calling and talking to people. Why is that so hard? It shouldnt be... it probably will become second hand again, once I do it the first time.

I better be going, I have to be taking care of things for the weekend now. 

Last song: Here comes the Sun - The beatles
thoughts: BIG SMILE!
"here comes the sun, and I say, its all right"

Jun. 5th, 2010

Look I am here!

Hello LJ....

so this is my first entry, and i really have no idea what i am suppose to write about. I think that is mostly due to the fact that am seriously lacking sleep these days. In fact I should be fast asleep now but as you can clearly see I am not.

I have a busy weekend ahead of me to which i look forward to each day as all three hold different things for me. Hopefully, the next time i write an entry it will be better. 


June 2010



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